Monday 30 September 2013

Guest Blog - 'An American History Lesson…as told by a silly Yank' by author Jeremy Shory

Let’s go ahead and get one thing out of the way right now. America was founded by prudes. If you really think about it, a bunch of ultra-tightwads got their panties in a bunch one day and figured it would be easier going to jump ship and start their own colony in a land they knew nothing about than stay and rot in hell. The joke was on them though; they left one country for another where the natives were even more hedonistic.

Imagine that. Kind of a sign the powers that be have a sense of humor right?

Which that also brings up another useless fact about America – did you know that the fat turkey was almost America’s national bird? Seriously. Benjamin Franklin thought the turkey was a more “honorable” bird than the American bald eagle. This is another American oxymoron because good ol’ Benny Franklin was a well-known chaser of the married ladies, even having a child out of wedlock. So don’t you tell me about honorable Mr. Franklin. But uh, hey, tell me some of those dirty stories you sly lil devil.

Anyways, back to America and the prudes and all that. So yeah, the pilgrims decided to try and change the culture of this great land by doing what they knew best; oppress and punish. Because that tactic always works, right? Welcome the era of the great Witch Hunt. How is this relevant to my story? It’s not really. I just thought I’d bring it up since Halloween is a largely celebrated holiday here in the states, and it’s only a few weeks away. Witches are the most common costumes each year. It’s kinda funny how they tend to only get more and more risqué as the lil witch gets older.

Side note: I just wanna tell you that my golden retriever snores louder than any human being I have ever heard. It’s quite ridiculous. And don’t even get me started on how bad her gas is. I like to blame her every now and then, but don’t tell my wife.

Okay, let’s fast-forward a few years. The founding fathers get together and decide they’ve had it! They aren’t gonna take it anymore! They demand a change…in the beer on tap at the Green Dragon Inn where they used to meet. Once that problem was solved, they turned their attention back to more pressing matters; who could eat the most chicken wings. (Stubby James Madison, the 4th president of the US, surprised everyone by putting away 31 ½…and he was only 5’ 4”. That’s 1.64592 meters for you on the Metric system. Yes, I looked it up.) After they put that bet to bed, they then went back to shaping the future nation. You know, all that “No Taxation without Representation,” and that entire hubbub. (Oh don’t know that term on the other side of the pond? How about this good ol’ boy saying - It’s hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch? That one makes me chuckle a little bit. You see because the billy goat would eat the peppers and then…oh never mind.)

This leads me to the Boston Tea Party. Now here’s the reason I bring this event up – all that tea was just dumped into the Boston harbor. Can you imagine what it tasted like? And you know it was the good stuff too. If I had a time machine, I’d like to go back and give it a taste just to see. Would either be the greatest-tasting gulp ever, or the worst.

Alright, so fast-forward a few more years. America almost loses to a better equipped and better trained army, but somehow through an act of God pulls out some crazy aces from its ass and manages to win the war.

Another side note: did you know that Georgey “Porgy” Washington had syphilis? Apparently our founding fathers were some dirty b******.

Now we have gone through some growing pains as a country. We had our own Civil War sprinkled in with plenty of political gaffes and public defamation's. But what great country hasn't? I’m looking at you Henry VIII. Our history certainly isn't quite as extensive as our friends over the ocean, but it’s rich nonetheless. Well alright, that’s a bit of a stretch. But we’re getting better, right? Right? Guess we’ll see as the years keep ticking.

Jeremy Shory is an up-and-coming young author, looking to share his passion for writing with the world. He was born on July 6, 1984 and grew up in Orlando, Florida, where he was exposed to whimsical and fantastic adventures–often used as a basis for his writing.

His interest in fantasy began at an early age, and he has recently taken a special interest in the young adult fantasy genre. The idea of transporting the readers mind to a magical place and captivating them throughout an entire journey drives him to keep his imagination churning.

Find out more about Jeremy Shory and his works: The Orion Chronicles and Author DB

Contact Jeremy Shory at: Email: Twitter: @OrionChronicles Facebookhere


  1. A great post that had me chuckling heartily into my Cornflakes. A wonderful way to start a Monday morning so thank you Jeremy and Bodicia :D

  2. Yep, our Founding Fathers certainly left us with a fine heritage.
    Funny post!


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