Monday, 4 February 2013

Changing my mindset

In my pursuit of finding myself, (yes, I'm still as lost as Paddington Bear but without the label), a book was suggested to me called Dying to be Me written by Anita Moorjani.

This book is a true story, written by a lady who had very advanced cancer until her Near Death Experience and subsequent thought processes cured her. 

Now, the scientist in me was a little skeptical about this at first but as I turned the pages I felt this was written by a woman who had indeed had something happen to her which was nothing short of a miracle. Her only reason for writing this down and sharing it was to tell everyone what had happened to her and to perhaps help people in the telling.

Now, I have to be honest, I am not a person who sits and dreams about lottery wins or eternal beauty miracles (gold leaf face cream...really?!) and nor do I care if people will think I am common/poor/unworthy of direct communication if I don't have a car with this years registration on it. 

I have always thought I should be happy with what I have been given in life and it's rather rude of me when thoughts creep in of wanting something different or more.

I don't dream big, I dream comfort sized.

However, I do have a small confession which I pause to make public. I cosmic ordered my other half. Yes, you read that correctly, but please read on.

There I was on a warm summer evening when my mind wandered by itself to a place of considerable comfort and joy where Colin Firth and Johnny Depp took turns to run down the beach towards me (and at one point towards each other...don't ask, I can't explain it either) and I happily passed a few minutes pondering on said images. Then I grappled with Johnny Depp to toss him out of my mind (Colin had left when asked, ever the gent) and I started to think about what I really wanted in a man. 

I had heard about cosmic ordering and I knew if I was to succeed I had to be precise and believe in it totally. So I mentally wrote a list, correcting a few things as I went along (he didn't really NEED startlingly blue bedroom eyes, did he?) and I came up with a list of things I really felt I would be very content with. 

And then I took a breath and said out loud exactly what I would like and when he was to be delivered by (I omitted the type of courier, I didn't want to be picky) , thanked the Universe profusely and left it at that.

Now the Universal Powers That Be have a sense of humour, very like mine I believe, as in the period before final delivery I was sent some samples of manhood who were dodgy to say the least. 

I even ventured into Cougar land but decided I did enough babysitting already and so I didn't bother going there again, thank you very much, so kind but no. 

It really wasn't panning out well and I began to feel slightly short changed and over taxed, monetarily and emotionally.

With one day to go before my cosmic delivery deadline, my confidence and belief was starting to waiver. Had I foolishly bought in to this Cosmic Ordering malarkey too much? Had I sat back and believed I deserved something too good for me? Were the male specimens laid out before me really all there was on offer?

And then he appeared. Well, actually he had been right under my nose since around the time of the ordering process but I just hadn't noticed. At the end of our first date I realised this rather gorgeous man was ticking some very clear boxes on my mental list and here I am, several years later, still cheering loudly at my very good fortune and speaking words of gratitude for what I have found. 

So you may think I would have cosmic ordered with great abandon ever since, right? It worked so let's see the menu, yeah? 

Um, nope. 

Not an order since. Not even a small starter or apperitif. 

Why? I didn't want to appear greedy. I have been tempted when times have been difficult but I have resisted. I just couldn't do it. Didn't think I deserved it. 

Then, I read Anita Moorjani's book. I realised it was actually okay to ask for help. It wasn't greedy or selfish to want things. It was like a bit of a weight had been lifted. That might seem strong but it is true for me. 

This woman gives you permission to love yourself in a healthy way. She has a story to tell which needs to be heard by all of us. At no point does Anita TELL you what to do or think. She makes it clear from the beginning she is re-telling exactly what happened to her and you are to make your own judgement.

I thought it was going to be a bit too hippy happy clappy for me. It wasn't. It was inspiring. And passionate. And she gave me a lot to think about. What happened to her is nothing short of a miracle. A real one.  

If you lack confidence, feel guilty or feel in need of permission to be YOU then read this book. You won't regret it.

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